Monday, April 14, 2008

THIS IS WHY BOULDERING SUCKS

Here are my top 10 reasons why bouldering sucks.

10) You always get weird stares by hikers, bikers, bird watchers, and picnic goers as to what the hell are you carrying on your back. It can be especially awkward when you are with a lady because i know that some of those old timers and bible thumpers alike are looking at you like some sort of procreating hippy in the woods silently swearing Jesus' wrath on us.

9) Bouldering hard is just plain too hard. I mean when you nearly pop a blood vessel in your neck or forehead while making a move it just isn't fun.

8) Its a cheap thrill. Shit, you're only climbing 15 feet or so.

7) It does't look badass. If you tell a nonclimbing friend that you just climbed this gnarly boulder problem and then show him or her, they will look at you like you're just plain lame.

6) No matter how good or strong you are, a girl can possibly climb the problem you can't. Now, I know that some of you boulder humpers out there are saying wait a minute brah, a girl could outclimb you on a route also. Not true: Maybe on a thin, techy sport route, but no way jose on a scrappy manly crack climb because you have to HAVE BALLS for that.

5) You have to clean holds with a toothbrush. If i wanted to be cleaning I would get a job at Molly frikin Merry Maids.

4) Female boulderers are ugly compared to Females route climbers. Lisa Rands, Alex Puccio, and Natasha Barnes v. Katie Brown (hubba hubba hubba), Lauren Lee (L-squared stands for lovely lady) and Collete McCinnery (Leave Kinder baby and date a real hardman). Point proven.

3) Boulders are ugly. Kinda toad, gremlin, hobbit-esque if you will. Cliffs are beautiful, grandiose, the land of deities.

2) On any given day a redneck meth addict weighing in at a scant 100lbs of pure marlboro red, wrangler jean, Bush Ice, meth stained hand raw power can outclimb you. The same can be said for the 12 year old kid who is out for a picnic with his family on the boulder across the ravine. Same thing with your dog who just ran up the backside of the boulder and is looking down on you falling on your ass off the first move thinking what a F-ing idiot, any dumb dog knows that the easiest line is around back.

1) This is the #1 reason why bouldering sucks.


3 comments:

Bobby said...

did a 12 year old girl crack fiend just beat you up a v8 or something? lol great rant though.

Andre said...

its true its true, bouldering does suck. Nice pop off that problem. Is that at old rag? Local?

Munky said...

That's at RMNP last summer on route ot Yosemite. I finally stuck that gaston and the freakin hold breaks. All that skin loss for nada. Bouldering sux!