Friday, April 25, 2008

THE REASON WHY WE ALL DRINK TOO MUCH



IMPORTANT NOTICE


The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


Now I understand why I drink way too much B.E.E.R. W.O.R.K. is evil and takes a motivated, enthusiastic, fun loving, fit, and relatively sane (more likely completely insane) person and rapes him, or her (ya gotta be PC these days), of vitality and pursuit of life. In all reality I must admit I've been drinking way too much beer. Nothing extreme but a few beers a night, just about every night isn't healthy and is a really bad habit to get into. I guess its time to switch drugs. JK as my students say.

Monday, April 14, 2008

THIS IS WHY BOULDERING SUCKS

Here are my top 10 reasons why bouldering sucks.

10) You always get weird stares by hikers, bikers, bird watchers, and picnic goers as to what the hell are you carrying on your back. It can be especially awkward when you are with a lady because i know that some of those old timers and bible thumpers alike are looking at you like some sort of procreating hippy in the woods silently swearing Jesus' wrath on us.

9) Bouldering hard is just plain too hard. I mean when you nearly pop a blood vessel in your neck or forehead while making a move it just isn't fun.

8) Its a cheap thrill. Shit, you're only climbing 15 feet or so.

7) It does't look badass. If you tell a nonclimbing friend that you just climbed this gnarly boulder problem and then show him or her, they will look at you like you're just plain lame.

6) No matter how good or strong you are, a girl can possibly climb the problem you can't. Now, I know that some of you boulder humpers out there are saying wait a minute brah, a girl could outclimb you on a route also. Not true: Maybe on a thin, techy sport route, but no way jose on a scrappy manly crack climb because you have to HAVE BALLS for that.

5) You have to clean holds with a toothbrush. If i wanted to be cleaning I would get a job at Molly frikin Merry Maids.

4) Female boulderers are ugly compared to Females route climbers. Lisa Rands, Alex Puccio, and Natasha Barnes v. Katie Brown (hubba hubba hubba), Lauren Lee (L-squared stands for lovely lady) and Collete McCinnery (Leave Kinder baby and date a real hardman). Point proven.

3) Boulders are ugly. Kinda toad, gremlin, hobbit-esque if you will. Cliffs are beautiful, grandiose, the land of deities.

2) On any given day a redneck meth addict weighing in at a scant 100lbs of pure marlboro red, wrangler jean, Bush Ice, meth stained hand raw power can outclimb you. The same can be said for the 12 year old kid who is out for a picnic with his family on the boulder across the ravine. Same thing with your dog who just ran up the backside of the boulder and is looking down on you falling on your ass off the first move thinking what a F-ing idiot, any dumb dog knows that the easiest line is around back.

1) This is the #1 reason why bouldering sucks.


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Sunday, April 13, 2008

IT'S A ZOO OUT THERE

















The past few weeks have been fun. Me and Tracy went to the Zoo in DC, went for a backcountry climbing trip overnight at Old Rag, VA, and just yesterday I went to Seneca Rocks with my friend Steve. My finger has been holding up and I think my plan of staying away from pulling plastic has been good one. Now if i only could gain the simian strength of those orangutans and gorillas i would be set. All jokes aside, you should have seen the muscles on those apes. The silverback's shoulder muscles were the size of dinner plates, his back was the size of a small dinner table, and his forearms were, no shit, the size of my thighs. That's frikin strooooonnnnggg! While at Old Rag i managed to onsight this 5.11 called Sunset Crack and few other easier routes. I even found this great crack trainer boulder problem less than 100 feet away from the shelter we camped in. Next time i get up there i'm gonna have to give that line a go and see how it feels. Looks like pretty good locks but really steep with a tricky mantle top out. I had a great day at Seneca yesterday onsighting 8 routes up to 12a. It felt good pluggin gear and getting off the deck. Oh, I almost forgot but i got some really great news yesterday that i will mention in few weeks. All i can say is that its really exciting and a great thing.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

INJURED BUT NOT OUT FOR THE COUNT

Well my friends i finally will admit it, i'm not invincible. Too much climbing and not enough rest hasn't exactly equated to Sharma esque strength and Graham like technique. In fact its done the worst possible thing, injured me, causing me to take time off of climbing. The joint in my right middle finger is severely swollen and the tendinitis is so bad that i can barely bend the finger into a closed grip position without grimacing after a day of climbing in the gym. So my plan is to avoid the gym at all costs and only climb outside on weekends with the occasional weekday session at the local crag. I'm addicted what can i say. Not climbing is not an option, but i do realize that im gonna need to baby this injury in order to not do permanent damage. Maybe Kosovo and not focusing on climbing will be good in the long run. Since im not climbing that much these days i've decided to dedicate this entry to all the crazy antics climbers do when they need to climb and haven't climbed in a few days. You all know what i mean. Campusing stairs and trees. Making up "boulder" problems on trees, buildings, inside your apartment, etc. I once even created a dyno circuit in my place in college that included double handed backwards snatches, sideways dynos from deck to tree branches and even a tree hug move into a full body aerial to a hanging rope. Crazy shit i tell ya, just to get a fix. Here's a quick video of me campusing a rest area pavillion on a long road trip to Yosemite from Washington DC a few years back. Look at that pathetic mantel at the end. Gray is just chuckling away at my futile attempts but i swear it was the sandals and when i ditched them i was able to heel out just right to crank the slopey move.

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